A Memoir Of Failed Dates And The Imperative Of Success -By Kehinde Oluwatosin Babatunde

My formative toasting years began in 2003, I left secondary school a year earlier, I wasn’t thinking about admission into a university, it was my mother’s business, so I had all the time to myself. 

Toasting a girl back days was an act of heroism, guys who had girlfriends were seen as super humans so I made a quest for this exclusive club of men. Gbenga Akinwale was my partner in crime, he had an illustrious toasting history, for me it was my first time, so I sought refuge with Gbenga. 

Gbenga gave me all the motivation and the punchlines I needed. The day came, I rehearsed all the lines, I patiently waited for the evening to ensure there was enough dusk to mask our faces from third party interferences, I took a serious bath, I went for a shining cloth and got ready for my debut toast. Back days we barely knew what to look out for in ladies, it was more about optics (Her front and her Back) rather than virtues. Immediately I saw the girl coming, I went after her, tiptoed behind her to mask my fear before I finally spoke “Hello, good evening, my name is Tunde”, she turned back, anger squeezed her face into a grimace and she answered “Ehh Ehh! What’s my business with your name? I don’t want to know you!”. As I mumbled through the rest of the lines she walked In speed out of my sight. It was a blow for me, I quickly made the fastest detour to Gbenga’s house I narrated my ordeal and I ended the story with “The girl said I don’t want to know you.”

Gbenga went into an ecstatic laughter, making fun of me and up till this day Gbenga has not forgotten the line “I don’t want to know you.” Gbenga later gave me several pep talk on how to insist even when the girl says no, I was no longer interested, her first refusal dealt with me a bad blow. 

I got admission into the university and I was busy with academics until I met Bimbo in 2006, she was damn beautiful, with the body of a goddess, I was in my second year, she was in pre-degree. The thoughts of planning to toast her hunt me every night while I sleep. The day came it was myself and Kehinde Fabunmi as we made our way home, I left Kehinde behind and made a detour to talk to Bimbo, she was polite and innocent, and I took out my Motorola handset to collect her digits (for those who knew the small Motorola handset, you will admit it was not a good PR to woo a lady).

After several attempts, Bimbo made it clear we can’t date, no reason specified. In my second year in the university Mathew Adegoke Femi became my closest pal, Femi was an accomplished ‘toaster’ his curriculum vitae spoke well of him with many girls in his catch net. 

Femi introduced  me to a friend of a new babe he just met, her name is Kenny. Femi was working on wooing his new catch, I was doing same for Kenny (In my mind, to sa have this girlfriend is a five unit course that I must not carry). We went to their hostel almost every two nights in a week and we sometimes became satisfied by the girl’s stroking of our bodies with their hands and nothing more. 

At the time I met Kenny, I had met Bose earlier in the library, I went to study, Bose came to study too however the handle of her sanitary pad wasn’t properly tucked in, I told her about it but did not forget to tell her how stunning she looked, Bose also became my friend, and was also on my “awaiting toasting list”  I asked Kenny and Bose out on separate days, coincidentally non of them said yes.

I made up my mind that this toasting thing was not meant for me, in those active toasting days I had experienced a decline in my GP (grade point) so I decided to focus on my books till I graduated. 

Over the years my reflective capacity has brought me to ponder  of the reasons for the decline of all the girls I asked out, not even one was willing to try. First lesson I learned from my toasting escapades is that  I wasn’t showy enough and from time immemorial women and glitz are inextricably inseparable. And until certain ages ladies do not accept advances solely for love, you have to paint the gloss in their face. I do not have the gloss and I was not even ready to borrow the gloss. 

For instance Tosin Olunloyo my friend had a brand new Levis Timberland sent from abroad, every guy back then came for it as part of the props for a new date, Tosin was my friend from home, I did not for once borrowed his shoes. I ignorantly forgot such gloss make a lot of impression on the female folks. 

Secondly over the years after my university days I have been privileged to sit, interact, lured, talk to, winked to by more pretty ladies and I doubt if I will take any of my wannabe girlfriends back days today, and this takes us to the biological clock of women, it ticks fast at some point giving them the privileges of advances from all corners and suddenly the clock just stop. 

Men’s biological clock starts ticking by the time they achieve more success and then become accessible to a litany of women. May be we should just focus on achieving the success, the success will buy the gloss and the gloss will bring the women!

Kehinde Oluwatosin Babatunde is a prolific writer and public speaker based in Lagos. 

Email: Kehindeobabatunde@gmail.com