How to be a successful Nigerian Politician -By Aisha Salaudeen

Ever considered becoming a well-known Nigerian Politician? Yes? Well then you’ve opened the right article. I will tell you the first steps to becoming a Nigerian politician. Now you may think to yourself ‘why on earth would I want to be a Nigerian politician?’ Because my dear, you will be treated like a mini god, everything will change for you, you can be corrupt and nothing will happen, steal funds and no one dares question you, you will be rich! Because when you are a Nigerian politician everyone will listen to what you have to say no matter how ridiculous or stupid it is. Everyone will respect you; you will be referred to as ‘sir’ ‘your excellency’ or ‘honourable’. No one will dare call you by your full name. As a Nigerian politician you will have streets named after you, school halls and even big roads in your name. You see why it is amazing to be a Nigerian politician? You enjoy all the above and more. I don’t know about you but my dream job is to be a Nigerian politician, yes. Who is with me?

Branding & packaging

In business, it is almost always about branding and packaging. Your product may not be spectacular but once you properly advertise it, brand and package it well then it will have the consumer’s attention. This is similar for Nigerian politicians. ‘Package’ yourself properly. Dash out money to youths and old women publicly. Tell the whole world how much you care about the Nigerian economy, throw some big words and economic terms while you’re at it to confuse people and prevent them from asking annoying questions. Donate funds to building of schools, churches, roads, mosques and so on. Make sure while donating everyone is aware. You have no business doing this in secret, make noise about all the ‘good’ things you are doing. Go on radio and TV and let the whole world know how much of a ‘philanthropist’ you are. This is how you launch your career

Brand cups, food items, bags, drinks and books in your name, let everybody know that you distributed all those items. Anybody reading the book or using the cup will see your name on it.

Do not be good

The worst thing you can do to yourself, as a Nigerian politician is to be honest, decent and free from corruption. In fact you should be the opposite of all those things. Do not be good! Yes initially I said it is about packaging but that’s just about it. You’re only pretending to be good, you really shouldn’t be. Being good will take you nowhere in Nigerian politics, instead the system will flush you out.

We like touts and noisemakers; you have to be stubborn and unnecessarily loud. Do not be reasonable, cause commotion wherever you go. When you arrive people will know that you have landed. Make long speeches with big words; make up some words if you have to. Pretend to be intelligent, it works. Smile and act like you know what you are doing. Never listen to the so-called intelligent ones, they know nothing about politics. Be anything but good. How many of our current politicians are honest? How many are decent and free from corruption? Learn from these people.

Godfather

You need a godfather to be successful in Nigerian politics; in fact without a godfather you are nothing. Take a look at our current politicians they all have godfathers. Your godfather must be popular, rich and feared by many. He is of no use if he is not well known or if government officials do not tremble at the mention of his name. After getting a godfather to support you don’t ever forget to pay your dues to your him. Open mosques and churches in his name, donate money to events organised by your godfather, say great and amazing things about him to the press. In summary make your godfather feel on top of the world. If you make the mistake of annoying your godfather then you are finished. He can make or shake your entire political career, ensure you satisfy him at ALL times.

Religion

To be a well known politician in Nigeria make sure you are backed up by religion. Let people see you in church every Sunday or in the mosque on Fridays. Let Nigerians know that you are constantly praying and fasting for things to get better. When the pastor starts to pray, let your Amen be the loudest!

Every now and then go for ‘special’ prayers with your pastors and Imams, yes you are that concerned about the country. Use religion to back yourself up. When questioned perhaps by the press on certain issues you have no answers on tell them you went to church on Sunday and the Holy Spirit will soon reveal an answer. After all did they not see you on TV praying in Pastor Adegboye’s church?

Follow the above tips and see how well your political career goes. Best of luck!

 Aisha Salaudeen tweets as @aishasalaudeen.