Only in Nigeria (Part One) -By Abdulsalam Jubril

Abdulsalam Jubril

Like many others countries, Nigeria is an interestingly beautiful but complicated, funny but sometimes annoying and enigmatic country. Something’s that happen in our clime will certainly leave foreigners either gasping for breath or rolling over with laughter. It has surely left many of us locals indignant and at a loss for words. A peculiar country that can boast of creativity, uniqueness, farcicality and venality, here the good hardly thrives when compared to the bad and the ugly.

Over the years, we’ve heard and witnessed mindboggling events that have left us bewildered, awestruck and piqued. In other climes, things that are ordinarily censurable, unheard of, a taboo, and justifies dismissal, over here they are often celebrated and ethno-religiously tainted. The more money you can fraudulently amass, the more power you have and can circumvent the law. Morality and value-systems has been relegated to the background while tawdry ostentation and malfeasance is rife everywhere you look.

It is only in Nigeria that when a child steals garri in the market place obviously out of hunger, that child when caught would be beaten, lynched or burnt alive. Yet, when a crook that was convicted and spent time in prison for stealing from his people, he was celebrated and venerated as soon as his feet touched the shores of our fatherland. Though jungle justice is a crime and must be condemned in its entirety, methinks it has come to only apply to low-level criminals.

It is only in Nigeria that when a ‘big thief’ is caught with hands in the cookie jar, the sympathetic card is played in order to evade persecution. We all know of a certain powerful oil minister whose purported cancer-ridden picture inundated the social media some time last year. Similarly, it is only here that those facing corruption charges often apply and are granted leave to undergo medical attention outside our shores. The whole world saw how Hosni Mubarak of Egypt despite being of ill-health was wheeled into the court room day in day out on his sick bed to face the charges against him.

Reminiscent of Pablo Escobar, it is only in Nigeria that thieves stash huge sums of monies in empty buildings and apartments, drainage systems, water storage tanks and all manner of places one wouldn’t ordinarily think to look. The current expose of caches of monies in different currency is definitely incredulous to believe. Well thanks to the current whistle blower policy, stashers would have to think out and look for other ingenious ways to hide their stolen money.

It is only in Nigeria that public servants own fleet of cars, houses, choice properties home and abroad and other items that are certainly above their pay grade. For a fact in Nigeria, public office and the misuse of power have come to have a symbiotic relationship. Have you had the ill luck of overtaking or claimed to be obstructing the movement of a public official’s convoy on the highway? Well those who have, have a pitiful tale to tell and can attest to the humiliating and brutal treatment they received from the hands of these officials.

It is only in Nigeria that despite several warnings against online get-rich pyramid schemes, millions of Nigerians went ahead to invest and fell victim to probably the greatest scheme of all time. For a people who often pride themselves as street smart and “sharp” with the popular parlance “Nija no dey carry last”, MMM in particular made us “carry last”, taking many to the cleaners. Disturbingly, over time we have been taught and made to believe that money can come as a miracle. As such, we have come to believe anything that is said to make money.

Our culture has knowingly or unknowingly promoted a mentality that people can make huge sums of money without working hard for it regardless of the political and economic conditions of the country. It’s a very sad truth but our belief system has encouraged the magical thinking of money and ways it can be multiplied. From urban legends recycled in Nollywood movies that promote ideas about money rituals, to the prosperity gospel currently being preached, to sleazy politicians who flaunt wealth before the public even when there is scant evidence of their productivity, many Nigerians have consequently become vulnerable and victims of many a scam artist.

It is only in Nigeria that a lower league football club, in fact two of them that were chasing promotion and needing to boost their goal difference won matches 79-0 and 67-0. Unbelievable right, well it happened in 2013. The answer to the popular riddle “what goes up and never comes down” is age. However in Nigeria’s case, it’s the prices of foodstuffs, goods and commodities. The reasons that had been given for the increment on the prices of goods and commodity were attributed to the drop in the value of the naira against the dollar. Curiously though, even as the naira is appreciating against the dollar, foodstuffs and other commodities have refused to follow suit.

It is only in Nigeria that the perennial power outage cannot be tackled once and for all because of the powerful ‘’witches and wizards” using their magic wands and brooms to destabilize and work against the revamping of the sector. Thus, avoiding the obvious fact that it isn’t in the interest of generator importers for us to have constant power. It is only in Nigeria that people began consuming excess amounts of salt and having salt baths as well as consuming bitter kola to prevent the dreaded Ebola virus attack following a viral message on social media that it could prevent the spread of the disease. As Tuface said “nobody wants to die but everybody wants to go to heaven”…

Written by Abdulsalam Jubril
You can follow me on Twitter via @Abdul_Jubril