COVID-19 and the New Order in Public Schools (a Satire) -By Hussein Adegoke

Sequel to the emergence of COVID-19 or the Coronavirus pandemic, all schools in Nigeria were made to shut down. It is expected that some students from the graduating classes would resume by today, 4th August, 2020, to allow them to be adequately prepared for their impending final examinations. In these looping scheme of things, and considering the dwindling state of the standard of education in Nigeria, one could only imagine what the disposition of students towards learning would be on resumption and with the sets of new measures against COVID-19 for them to contend.

Teacher: “Good morning, my students.”

[ALL Students chorusing]: “Good morning, sir.” [A student quickly drawing a close observation] “Sir, our sanitizer (for the class) has finished.”

Teacher: “You said what?”

Student: “I said our class’s hand sanitizer has been exhausted.”

“I am not your class teacher. Perhaps, you should go and meet the school matron or any welfare staff. I’m only here as your science teacher.”

“But…sir?”

“It’s a wrong call, I can’t help you on that.”

“Okay, sir.”

“Yes. So, I welcome you all back from the impromptu COVID holiday. We pray and hope humanity succumbs the virus soon.”

“Amen, sir” [All students chorusing]

“Today, we shall be dealing with the topic: Energy, Work and Time. To begin with, who can define energy?”

“Exkiss, sir” [Tope raising a hand]

“Yes. Tope. Any idea?”

“No, sir. I only wanted to report Tola to you. She was coughing in my direction and would not draw up her facemask…”

“My God…was that why you called…?”

“No…no sir oo,” [Tola interjecting] “I had only removed the mask when I wanted to cough. I didn’t intend to cough in her direction. We were chatting when the reflex action took…” [The teacher cutting in] “Would you both keep quiet? What is this for crying out loud? I was going to explain energy; you were bringing in distractions, and chatting while the class was ongoing. What is the matter with you? Could anyone just tell me what energy is?”

[Silence]

Teacher: “Even you, Gideon, the class best student, you aren’t sure?”

“No idea, sir.”

“Anyways, I would answer by myself if no one could make an attempt. Just months away, before Covid-19, I taught you this…so, what were you guys doing for five months…? Oh! Yes, Uche, are you raising up?”

“Yes…No…Yes, Sir. It was Jaja.”

“What happened to him?”

“He just wouldn’t maintain his 6-feet distance. Look at him now crawling with his desk to where I sit…”

“O Lord! Have of mercy!”

“I am sorry, sir.”

“No, Uche. You don’t need to be sorry. You only need to become reasonable. Let me ask you this: has Jaja been diagnosed of COVID?”

“Sir, I supposed it was only best we maintain social distancing and not defy the rules of NCDC, and indeed, the global best hygienic practic…” [Teacher interjecting] “Mr IKTM! I Know Too Much! Is that what I asked of you? I said, ‘has Jaja been diagnosed of COVID?’”

“No, sir.”

“So why do you make much ado about nothing? Anyway, bygone is bygone. To our matter of concern, what is energy?” [Class becoming withdrawn and silent again]

“No one? And yet, you all had the audacity to disturb m…me…my class…?” [Teacher sneezes] “Excuse me!” [Class grumbling and murmuring]

“What’s the matter?”

[A student echoing distinctly from the rear] “Takia, sir.”

“Yes, thank you. But what was that mumur all about?” [A student from the front row] “Sir, your nose mask wasn’t fixed while you sneezed. And you stood by me…my…desk. Coro…Coronavirus….may be just be real!”

“Would you just shut up, my friend? You said my nose was not what?!”

“Yes. Yes, sir. Fatima was right. Our family doctor said the virus is airborne and that it is safer to always put on…”

“Would you both just shut your mouths? [Teacher interrupting] Hold on a second. What is this class turning my lesson time into? Are we here to deal with Coronavirus here or with Energy?”

[Class hesitant of a reply]

Teacher: “I said, are we learning about Energy or about Covid-19?”

“Energy, sir!” [Voices thundering]

“Okay, then. Let’s just continue. Energy is defined as your ability/capability to do work. We expend energy in the process of carrying out our daily endeavours…”

“Sir!” [Rebbeca cutting in]

“Yes, Rebbe. You may proceed…”

“(About) this ‘energy’ you just defined, my mom said that those with lesser immunity will not have it. She said it is why the elderlies with lesser resistance against the virus are advised to remain indoors…and self-isolate…and not frequent marketplaces.”

“Look, class. I rest my case! We call it a day from here.” [Teacher walks out of class] [Students pleading]: “Exkiss, sir. Sorry. Sir. We are sorry.”

“When you guys are ready for my lessons and have overcome your anxiety about COVID-19, you may come to fetch me.”

“But…sir…” [a student getting in the teacher’s way]

“Get out of my way, Gideon, or I send you on a quarantine. I am off for today!”

Hussein Adegoke is a Public Affairs Analyst. You can shoot him a mail at adegoke2096@gmail.com.