I Am A Woman! -By Bámidélé Adémólá-Olátéjú

“A woman is the full circle. Within her is the power to create, nurture and transform.” – Diane Mariechild

When I was growing up, I thought I had a pretty good idea what being a woman meant. All the women around me were teachers, nurses, farmers or traders; they were married, they were mothers, and they were involved in their church and community. Looking back, I do not know how the hell they did all of that! These days I come home and I am grateful that the only person I really have to cater for is my only child. On week days, I start my day at 5:30 AM, and go through the daily motions exhausted. Most nights I can only manage four hours of sleep. With modern technologies at my disposal, my day flies by in incomprehensible ways. At every reflection, I think of my mother, who while married and working, obtained her education, from Teachers’ Grade II certificate, to obtaining the National Certificate of Education (NCE) and eventually her Bachelor’s degree in Health Education. She raised five kids and 27 other children at different times, in the course of her career. I feel put to shame, each time I think about it. I am struggling to raise an only child and I have not helped in raising anyone else!

What exactly does it mean to be a woman? Biology alone does not define who a woman is. Critically, the female gender as a social construct does not do justice to the definition of a woman. In my own reality, a woman is a human being of the female gender, who has gained full recognition of the complexities of being female and the weaknesses ascribed to her from birth for which she faces an uphill battle in a world dominated by men.

The good women of my childhood were exemplars of womanhood. They had children, a few were without children, some at the start of their careers and some at the top of their careers; some enjoying meaningful work as housewives, some young, some old, and some, somewhere in between. I am sure Mama Adeyemo, Iya Tekobo, Mrs. Ogunleye, Mrs. Umar, Mama Adamu, have different perspectives on their womanhood, and different philosophies on how to go about living a healthy, happy, life. So I find myself wondering: What exactly does it mean to be a woman? Biology alone does not define who a woman is. Critically, the female gender as a social construct does not do justice to the definition of a woman. In my own reality, a woman is a human being of the female gender, who has gained full recognition of the complexities of being female and the weaknesses ascribed to her from birth for which she faces an uphill battle in a world dominated by men.

Being a woman is to acknowledge the strengths that comes with womanhood – the ability to carry the enormous burden of caring, of caring for others at your expense; the strength of your heart, your mind, and your body and the changes your body bears at every phase of womanhood. All these, along with the fact that these strengths and weaknesses vary according to the culture you are raised in, and from woman to woman. Being a woman means being strong, because you need all the strength you can find to be a woman. Even if you do not find that strength, that strength will find you, when strength is all you need.

In small town Nigeria, the woman is the hewer of wood and fetcher of water. She works for her family tirelessly in the open sun, wiping steady streams of sweat off her brows. She straps one child on her back while pulling another along. At other times, she balances heavy load on her head while she straddles her child on her side, as she breast feeds while walking the bush paths home, from a long day working in the farm. Elsewhere, she breast feeds or fills bottles and changes diapers, depending on her vocation. She sees and nurses every scrape and tends to every bleeding wound, she sucks out mucus with her mouth from the tiny nostrils of her newborn. She rocks her baby to sleep at the same time as she unfolds the plans for the the next day in her mind. She grinds the pepper and pounds the yam. She manages the home and makes all ends meet.

You are a woman, know how to defend yourself when attacked, you live in a world where just being a woman is a threat in itself.

In the cosmopolitan megalopolis of Lagos, Nigeria, she wakes up by 4am and leaves the house by 5am. She instructs her daughter to bathe her siblings, cook Indomie noodles for breakfast and find her way to school along with her siblings. She goes to Mile 12 for the plantain she roasts by the roadside. She knows neither rain nor shine because she has mouths to feed, rent and school fees to pay. She does not see her children except on weekends, she only issue orders and instructions hoping it will be good enough to tide them over till she returns. Her eyes are bloodshot from the simmering heat of her roadside grill, and her skin a very dark tan from the indifferent sun. She is a woman. Most often, she is caged in melancholy because life is hard and things are not quite as good as they seem. Everyone eats a piece of her. She withstands all of these as the years rolls by and passes along, losing herself in others. She is strong, fearless, faithful to her calling as a mother. She is daring, an achiever and braver at beating the odds. She is naturally given to sacrifice; she works, so her children can live better than she does.

The prevailing belief is that she is weak, yet she is the epitome of strength and power. She is harassed and troubled by society, as it has always has been. She is treated like she does not belong. Men would behave as if they owned her. With many forces pulling her in all directions, she goes through the daily fight and struggle to climb a step higher on the ladder for freedom – freedom for her daughter and freedom for females yet unborn. The woman wants, and works for, a sense of independence. Daily, crimes are committed against her; from domestic abuse to rape and most recently, teenage girls are sold off to terrorists in Nigeria to be used as suicide bombers, for just one hundred and fifty thousand Naira (N150,000:00)! They are used because they are female and a girl’s life is worth less than a boy’s life in their minds. In some parts of the world, fetuses are aborted for being female. Babies are killed because they are girls and acid is thrown on women for rejecting love advances. If it were in my power, I would definitely want men to experience what it means to be a woman. If men were the ones who get pregnant and give birth, vaginas would be on postage stamps across the world!

You are a woman, if a guy wants to have sex with you forcefully, make sure you say a clear “NO” because consent laws assume you mean “yes” unless you say “NO”.

You are a woman, be happy and appreciative of the work of women before you. Women who toiled for the freedoms you are now enjoying. Appreciate everything you have because we have come really far. You are a woman, understand that discrimination is an inevitable part of living. Get used to it. You are a woman, don’t be too forward, or else you will come off as a slut. You are a woman, work twice as hard as men and better be good at what you do. You are a woman, don’t be too bossy, bossy women are tagged as bitches; bossy men are hard workers. You are a woman, know that sexism at work is a fact of life. You are a woman, be happy when a fellow woman makes it to the top. You are a woman, justify your desire to make decisions about your own body. You are a woman, be careful when you drink. If you get drunk, you will be taken advantage of. You are a woman, always tell someone where you are going, when you leave, who you are with, and what your general plans are; it is your job to protect yourself from the possible violence other people can perpetrate against you. You are a woman, know how to defend yourself when attacked, you live in a world where just being a woman is a threat in itself. You are a woman, be advised that wearing shorts, a short skirt or dress is an invitation to danger. You are a woman, if a guy wants to have sex with you forcefully, make sure you say a clear “NO” because consent laws assume you mean “yes” unless you say “NO”. You are a woman, enjoy sex, it is a biological function. Do not be ashamed!

Please, embrace people who are different from you, those from other cultures, as well as individuals from various social and economic backgrounds.

You are a woman, be a good woman, a complete woman and a lady by being generous to others with your time and resources. Be a woman of your word, follow through your commitments, even if at enormous cost to you. Be willing to serve others, especially those in need. Manage your priorities and time well. Always take good care of yourself; you can only serve others after you have taken care of yourself. Use wisdom, humour, and encouragement to attract others to you. A good woman is a lifelong learner; continue to learn by maintaining a healthy curiosity and teachable posture. Embrace other people’s strengths and accept their weaknesses but do not compare yourself to them. Always demonstrate respect, restraint, and personal responsibility in your appearance, behaviour, and communication. You are a woman, a well mannered woman values respect and honours others, never forget!

…womanhood cannot be defined by erotic compulsion or a conceived female identity.

You are a woman, knowing what is appropriate will help you navigate social and professional circles with ease. Please, embrace people who are different from you, those from other cultures, as well as individuals from various social and economic backgrounds. You must possesses a strong work ethic, take pride in what you do in your home, at work and in your community. Be trustworthy, loyal, honest, graceful, and confident. Remember your posture and body language communicates your personal presence. To command respect, you should be well-dressed. You must know how to select items of clothing that are modest, age appropriate, within your budget, and perfect for the occasion. The way you dress and carry yourself tells other people the kind of person you are. It is important that you groom yourself, practice good hygiene, and maintain your health. You are a woman, you need to be well spoken and be a good listener to communicate effectively with people. Most importantly, your words must be kind, tactful, and free from gossip. It is your duty to manage your home and the needs of your family by creating a welcoming, peaceful, loving, and nourishing environment. Do not base your actions on the opinion of others but on who you have chosen to be. Be gracious and inclusive.

Finally! I attest that I am created a woman, by God! I did not create a woman from me. In the course of preparing this lecture, I looked into Google to see what comes up when you do a search on ‘woman’. Nothing but Bruce Jenner turned Caitlyn Jenner turned up. I simply do not like that. I don’t! I am bothered that ten pages of Caitlyn Jenner comes up on anything ‘woman’. Caitlyn Jenner is not me. I have nothing against transgenders and transvestites but womanhood cannot be defined by erotic compulsion or a conceived female identity.

Bruce Jenner can be Caitlyn Jenner, but to invade the world with his idea of womanhood is wrong. I have this identity, my femininity, handed to me at fertilisation.

Caitlyn Jenner did not feel the anxiety of wanting to grow breast like I did in the Summer of 1976. Caitlyn Jenner does not know what it feels to have that sudden wetness in your pants announcing the arrival of your menstrual period while in a cab coming to Lagos from rural Ondo State without sanitary towel or tampon in your bag. Caitlyn Jenner did not have the anxiety of looking for Postinor after having unprotected sex, only to realise you are ovulating. Caitlyn Jenner does not know the evil of Candida albicans, the pesky fungus called vaginal yeast. The scourge of young ladies until you understand how to guard yourself.

Caitlyn Jenner has not the slightest idea of debilitating menstrual pain. Caitlyn Jenner has no clue what it means to have a vagina from birth. What it means to be told to sit ‘right’ while boys sit anyhow. What it means to have something so priceless and yet the society tells you to be ashamed of it. What it means to have a valuable item and yet you cannot trade in it.

Caitlyn Jenner has not the faintest idea, of the flushing in your veins, as if it circulates near boiling water, as you break out in cold sweat in a room with bustling airconditioners. You are told it is hot flushes, you are approaching another change, it is called menopause. Bruce Jenner can be Caitlyn Jenner, but to invade the world with his idea of womanhood is wrong. I have this identity, my femininity, handed to me at fertilisation.

I salute all of you women out there. I respect you for your strength and for your stabilising role in the world. Stand up, give yourself a clap, you have been brave and I salute you.

Bámidélé Adémólá-Olátéjú maintains a weekly column on Politics and Socioeconomic issues every Tuesday. She is a member of Premium Times‘ Editorial Board. Twitter @olufunmilayo

This was delivered as a lecture during the third anniversary seminar of “Obinrin Ni Mi” on 20th June.