What Masculinity is Not -By Ubong Johnson

One of the most peddled lies of this century after the idea of soul mates, is the lie that men ought to not express emotion. Suppressing emotion is, for a fact, the reason why a shitload of men are depressed and dying of thirst. It is not only harmful to men themselves; it’s harmful to the women who love them, also. It’s a root to too many problems surrounding emasculation.

Just in case you have been thinking so, shame does not come from expressing emotions; it is not weakness to accept hurt. People who deny hurt or shame attempt to deny a problem that already exists, hoping that denial would swallow up the problem. Pathetic.

Ask yourself this: does denying a problem take it away? No. What denial does, instead, is distract a person from a problem—hence, stealing the person’s urge to solve it, dissolving his motivation.

Imagine this: a woman finds a lump in her breasts. The doctors say it’s cancer. But, she does not agree. Every morning, she stands before a mirror and vehemently denies the possibility of the lump in her breast being a cancer, eyes squeezed shut. “I don’t have cancer in Jesus mighty name!”

Does doing this change the fact that she might have cancer? No. So, why then does she continue to do it? Well, because it makes her feel safe. It is tough getting chemotherapy, seeing doctors regularly, and building mental stamina. The easier route, then, is to deny—less responsibilities would be saddled on her if she does this. But denial only gives her plight more room and time to grow, whilst she diminishes.

What you deny will come after you sooner or later, man or woman.

As a man, you should know that your masculinity does not come from denying your hurt; from hiding it, masking it with smiles whilst you die inside. Masculinity, all of it, comes instead from utter sincerity to oneself. From accepting who you are and where you are at, and deciding whether or not you want to change for the better.

Your problems, no matter how big, never strip you of your masculinity; it is your response to them that does.

When your woman annoys you, for example, it can be considered a problem. No one wants to be ignored by his woman. It’s disrespectful and, well, hurtful. Sometimes. It does not make you less of a man to address this problem, by telling her sternly yet lovingly that she’s stepping on your toes. “Hey, Babe, you’re I feel ignored by you. If you’re doing it on purpose, stop. I might just go ahead and leave you alone.”

What makes you less of a man, is keeping all that hurt in just because, “you don’t want to show emotion.” Because you don’t want your woman to see you as needy or hurt. That’s nonsense. Arent you hurt? Of course, you are. Then why deny it? One of two reasons: you’re either afraid of losing your woman to a confrontation, or you are afraid of yourself. Either way, you’re afraid of something. It isn’t masculine at all to let fear keep you from doing what must be done. Fear and denial go together. They keep you from doing the necessary.

If you don’t let your woman know the negative impacts her actions have on you now, sooner or later you will. And by then, the hurt must have grown into something so big it becomes an uncontrollable surge of anger when it comes out. This is why men beat their wives. A man who cannot control himself is not masculine at all. Control is power a person exerts upon himself and upon others. If you can exert power on yourself, harnessing your will into something that makes your life better, then you are a man worthy of the name Man.

Sometimes, it is great to control others; this is too few a times anyway and most times not worth it. But nothing beats consistently controlling yourself and the situations surrounding you. Control the situation, not your woman. A man who attempts to control women does not understand self-mastery. Be so full of yourself you refuse to control other people, especially your wife. Possessiveness is not masculinity. You must let her choose what she wants. If she looks up to and holds you in high esteem, her choices would always fall in line with yours.

It is not masculinity to keep secrets from your lover. Things you consider shameful. You lost your job. So what? Tell your lover. Express the hurt. Let the hurt become a motivation to you. “Honey, I lost my job. I don’t know how to feel. I’m sad. But I’d get a new one soon.”

Yes! Go on.

Be expressive. Fear nothing. Fear no one. Deny nothing. Solve every problem life throws at you. Respond with grace and love and do not control your woman. Control situations, not people. Be a man, not a denying bully who beats his wife and makes her feel like a bug. Your strength should be seen in how you handle problems, not in how well you tighten your fingers into a fist.