After The Pain; There’s Got To Be More -By Swandy Banta

It was Femi’s birthday. Tinu had spent the best of the last three weeks preparing for the D-day. She had thrown a surprise party for him at his office earlier that day.

They were now at the new pent house restaurant to enjoy the exotic night view of the city at the glass enclave and indulge in a special six course meal she had carefully planned out.

All the scenes of the last decade of her life began to play out in her head.

She had started out as the everyday good girl who grew under strict tutelage at home, learnt to go down when she greeted elders, was rebuked when she failed to add the “Sir”, “Ma”, “Uncle” and “Aunty” prefixes, dutifully said thank you to all elders in the house for every meal she ate at home and did her house chores as best as she could.

She read Pacesetters like the Undesirable Element in her junior secondary school days, enjoyed social nights and read a little bit of Mills and Boons in her senior secondary school days while she also made effort to be an FCS girl. During the holidays she enjoyed the latest releases of Channel O and loved to practice recipes she had gotten from friends in boarding house.

Early enough she had always wanted to just live easily. Have plenty kids and raise them at home while she ran her interior décor business from her garage or somewhere else around the house. While some of her cousins and friends often referred to her as the live wire of the party while others comically told her she was just an NFA.

She just loved the easy good life.

… then life happened. No husband and plenty kids, no interior décor business, no happily ever after.

The next decade would see Tinu looking for answers. She learnt every skill that came in vogue, acquired academic degrees, professional qualifications and held an average position in a private organization.

There had to be more. There just had to be more.

She woke up every morning with a sense of “There has to be more”.

She closed her eyes to sleep with the thought, “There has to be more”.

She often dreamt, “There has to be more”.

Deep down in her heart she was so convinced, “There had to be more”.

She could feel it deep down. There was so much more she and life had to offer each other that she was yet to discover. Then life began to throw more stones at her.

She invested in a long time relationship with Jide, which left her heart broken. Her life savings were used to get Jide to America with a promise to come back for her. After several failed attempts to get to Jide, she later learnt that he had married an old white lady (the things we do for green card).

Then she and her entire family got involved in a ghastly motor accident with left only her and Nife (Her five year old sister) as survivors.

Unplanned parenthood crept in on her.

She painfully lost out when she Ranti her Bestie convinced her to invest in MMM and get a quick return so that she could recover her money which was used to assist Jide relocate to America.

Then she joined the league of people who don’t dare to dream. She was desperate, looking for answers.

Life wasn’t just adding up.

She had met him a little over a year before that day. The “hello” and “hi” at the event was like a deja vu. She shrugged it off and went her way.

When the opportunity to meet him again at another event popped up, she had this unexplainable anticipation. She could feel that there was more to the meeting than just the event.

…she tells herself that she would stay a little longer before heading out of the venue. She does a fleece test, “If after 30 minutes I step outside and he’s not gone yet, then I will approach him and say, “hello”.

…and there he was hanging around the premise. A long phone call had stalled his movement.

She walks over, says hi and tells him how much she enjoyed his portion of the event and tells how she’s still got questions.
They exchange banters, contact, talked a bit and said good bye.

That one encounter changed her life.

Today, she’s so in love with him!

He loves her too!

They love each other!

She’s grown!

They’ve shared laughter, pain, intellectual growth, had fun. She celebrates him every day.

He’s actually taught her to BREATHE and exhale, and then MOVE!

He’s pushed her real hard to begin to be her best. He’s helped her find her way again by providing the right mentorship. With him by her side, she’s found stability, grown closer to God and become more focused. Femi has become “Daddy” to Nife.

Tinu no more wonders that “there has to be more”.

Tinu said to me the other day, “Swandy I feel so at peace. I feel so sure that I’m living a purposeful life”. She went further, “I don’t have to hide anything from him. He’s my default ‘go to’ guy. He’s helped me simplify my life.

Then she says to me, “Most amazingly…. HE ASKS FOR NOTHING IN RETURN.

I tell him every time I get the chance to, “if I no love you wetin I gain?”

That’s Tinu’s story. I don’t know what yours is, but I assure you that any story can change. You may be having a tough time with a broken heart, telling yourself over and over again that you will never find love. I dare say that YOU, yes YOU will find love again.

You may have just lost your job and the bills won’t stop rolling in. You feel like disappearing. Every morning when you wake up you just don’t feel like getting out of bed. Suddenly the sniper shelf in the supermarket close to your house is beginning to look attractive to you.

Hell No! You won’t commit suicide. Help is on the way. Only if you can dare to “HOLD ON”

You may have attended too many naming ceremonies and cried your heart out when you got back home. You may have received the negative test result for countless number of times. You are so tired of seeing the baby clothes you have bought while the baby has just not showed up.

You may have even experienced a failed IVF like me. You may have had to pass through depression like me. You may be existing and not living anymore. You may even be wondering why you are still alive since nothing is working out well for you.

I say to you with a firm conviction in my heart, “HOLD ON, DON’T GIVE UP”
You may have lost a child, husband, father, mother, wife, sister, brother or a very dear friend. It hurts so bad that you could almost taste the pain. You are numb and have lost the will power to make a move again.

Life will have meaning again. Good things will happen again.

Like Tinu would say, I say on behalf of us all, “If we no endure, wetin we gain?”

…This essay is dedicated to my PP…Happy Birthday

Swandy Banta is blue blooded, ask her what that means and she gladly tells you, she’s been through the tunnel of pain and she found illuminating light. She writes and coaches on the difficult subject of pain. Whether it’s national pain, community pain or the pain of loss and the hurts of life that makes us all ask why—she brings new perspectives. Swandy can be reached on swandy.banta@gmail.com