Dealing With Incompatibility In Marriage -By Sandra Ijeoma Okoye

In 2 Corinthians 6:14, the Bible states: “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers; for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness, and what communion hath light with darkness? Many interpret this passage of scripture as speaking to just religion, but according to most men of God that are unarguably versed in biblical scriptures, this covers several critical areas to which individuals who seek to become one in marriage must pay key attention to.

Against the foregoing backdrop, permit me to say that I was privileged to attend a seminar recently where the speaker who is equally a clergyman threw insight to 2 Corinthians chapter 6 verse 14.

He announced the first to be one’s age, revealing that age differences in a relationship may be a cause for concern. He explained that couples with a huge age gap face some inevitable problems in their marriages when society, families and friends fail to support their decision. He added that married couples with huge age differences may be united and quite strong against society’s disapproving looks, but at times, they are also forced to submit to cruel perceptions and traditions. On account of this, they may face some challenges that has to do with submissiveness, particularly to the husband, as age is given preeminence in African culture.

He explained that society can be very harsh on couples and will increasingly pass judgements on them. Some may term either of them to be a gold digger or base their marriage purely on sexual desires. People will judge and criticize their decisions. They may even comment on the parents’ decision to let their children get married in such a way!

In the same vein, he explained that “Sometimes the partners get insecure and they feel like the other person does not love them anymore. We need to know at different ages the body makes different changes, and because of that there will be different needs which will create problems.”

He went on to disclose health as another area that can cause an end to a marriage or a serious relationship.

“There are some people who have serious family illnesses and it affects them right through life, and if the partner didn’t know, it will play a serious part in the relationship, saying that a good woman may end up with the wrong man, or a good man with the wrong man.”

He said that for years, ordained ministers have hosted counselling seminars for couples who wish to make the next step, but many times the issues that arise may cause the pastor to be skeptical about sanctioning the marriage due to incompatibilities in education, profession and ambitions, and that they often form cog in the wheel of progress of matrimony.

According to him, “The issue of incompatibility in education between husband and wife is a serious one. You need to check out the educational background of the person because education can influence how the relationship goes. In the case of a man or woman who has a master’s degree and marries a partner who is a school drop-out, the academic qualities don’t match and many times when you find it like that it creates problem in the relationship.”

He added, “It is a bit worrying to me that people today get married solely on the basis of academic achievement, because she is a doctor, because he is a lawyer. What you marry is not the person but the profession. The only thing that will make marriage work is love. I am of the view that a man should take care of a woman. Though women are able to take care of themselves, I believe it is a man’s role to take care of a woman.”

Interestingly, the evangelist noted emotions as playing a key role in the stability of the union. He said, “Different people have different emotional make-ups: some are balanced and some are not; some are emotionally hot, then some are emotionally cold and this will create problems. You either have to take them and cool them down or warm them up. Many times, relationship mash up, too, because there is no humor in the relationship. Find something to laugh about, life itself is already stressful – don’t add to it.”

While some people marry their partners and find out later that they are no longer able to handle all that the person is coming with it, the clergyman whose name I want to keep anonymous in this piece posits that incompatibility is not the key for divorce.

He said, “If you are married already, incompatibility is not the key for divorce. Try to fix the marriage. I will suggest to some men before you move to look if the grass is greener on the other side, water your grass, fertilize your grass, take care of your grass and it will become greener. And, ladies you keep yourself lovely. Right from the day he puts the ring in your finger, don’t think it is done. Strive to nurture the matrimony. For instance, if you are at home and you know he’s coming, you take a shower, smell nice, and put on some nice music so when he comes home his mind is nowhere else but home.”

He continued, “You have got to compromise sometimes to keep the relationship going. For example, I don’t like rice, but let’s say my wife loves rice, because I want to keep her happy, I will eat the rice sometimes, in compromising it will work.”

He revealed, however, that above all things, there should be no compromise in religion.

He added that “There should be no compromise in religion, it should be what God says, and we must obey God rather than man. When it comes to God we must do what is right: we must keep the commandments of God,” he ended.

Again, there is the incompatibility that may arise, and which surrounds finance. Be that as it may, it should always be at the back of the mind of each of the couples that every marriage faces incompatibility in terms of finance. Against the foregoing background it is expedient to see to it that whatever belongs to the woman belongs to both husband and wife, and vice versa. There should be full disclosure of income between the couples. There are many men that earn say, N500, 000k per month without making the disclosure at home, and surprisingly living in debt and starving the family members. In a similar vein, there are wives that are richer than their husbands but evade making financial contributions to the betterment of the family.

In fact, the stress associated with money problems can be overwhelming. But in the end, it’s only money. And money has no power over your commitment to your relationship. In this case, none of the couples should keep financial secrets from your each other, and they should be committed to plan.

Again, incompatibility can come from the values they have for their children. Be that as it may, the solution lies in the fact that even the best behaved children in the world present challenges, and the number one casualty is always the relationship between mom and dad. So remember this: Despite the foregoing differences in values for the children, the marriage should be nurtured by both couples, and better equipped to deal with whatever the kids dish out.