If I Become President -By Tope Oke

If I ever become Nigeria’s President, I’ll regale in it for a few days. On the first Monday on the job, I’d send a list of my cabinet to the National Assembly. I will nominate Ministers from every state except Oyo and for every Ministry except Education and Health which I will supervise personally. I probably will not appoint an Inspector General of Police. If I have to, then I will run the Police Service Commission or any institution where I can engineer and push the extremely needed reforms. After the Assembly has confirmed all my nominations, I will engage them as to how we can reform our electoral laws in such a way that positions are not just up for the highest bidders. Competent and credible people who are not wealthy should also have a shot. If we achieve some level of success in that, I will turn on the lawmakers themselves and look for a way around the law to slice their wages by a quarter. If the RMAFC does not give a credible justification as to how the emoluments of the lawmakers were arrived at, I will fire its Head and replace him with an Acting Chairman who we’ll work together to drive the cuts. My government will definitely not be subsidising Hajj for both religions any longer. One of the EFCC and ICPC will go or be merged, so also the FRSC and VIO. Other overlapping agencies will also be affected. The weekly jamboree in the name of the Federal Executive Council meeting will stop and be limited to either a monthly or quarterly one. There’s plenty of work to be done.  I will be tweeting myself.

If I am still alive and not yet impeached, I will stand for re-election. If I win, I will lockdown a small town anywhere in Nigeria to rest. Probably somewhere in the East, they don’t get enough federal presence. I will resume on the first Monday after my elections and submit the list of my cabinet to the new Assembly which I believe by now will compose of men with smaller stomachs. I will nominate a Minister from every state except Oyo and for every Ministry except Power and Petroleum; two ministries where I will declare a national emergency. I will also ensure a proper port is constructed in the East. Unlike those who came before me, I’ll wear suits every other day of the week except weekends when I’ll wear my Manchester United kit. I will host a quarterly media chat to carry my people along.

A year before my tenure ends, I will direct the NPC to conduct a census to know how many we really are. While that is ongoing, there will also be a referendum to ask if my people want me to continue. I would love to deepen the reforms we’ve made and further strengthen the institutions. I’m a big admirer of Paul Kagame. If my people say no, I’d retire, but before I do so I’ll headhunt for someone who will continue where I left and also approve costs for the former President to visit Old Trafford every weekend or whenever he feels like. I don’t know which state I’d retire to but definitely not Oyo.

By this time, I sincerely hope the living standards of my countrymen and women would have improved significantly. There won’t be a better feeling.