Osinbajo’s many troubles and baby factories -By Tunde Asaju

Wicked people are trying to start trouble between President Buhari and his vice, the only two people in government who get along better than Siamese twins. Those trying to sow the seeds of discord were not there when Kòfẹ́sọ Osinbajo reclaimed his birthright from Osinbade. Now they swear he’s going through hell? Kí a má rí, God forbid! The God of Adeboye would not let that happen. The God of politics will not sit idly by and let his holy son see the corruption of being sidestepped. Las las Osinbajo is all right.

What shocked me most about the whole hullabaloo is the fact that long after the feepee’s kaakaki, Laolu Akande, flatly denied any friction in the rock, enemies of the cabal, and conspiracy theorists wanted to escalate the heat.

Suddenly, the feepee became everybody’s son that is being bullied by inner caucus thugs. Some Christian groups were up in arms as if they, and not the Emir of Bourdillon nominated Osinbajo as Sai Baba’s running mate. Yorùbás expressed dismay that their shon of the shoil was being reduced to minister of condolence and mundane visitations. The Igbo and the South South people expressed sadness that a ‘southerner’ was being reduced in rank and relevance.

That Sai Baba reconstituted his economic team and brought it under his personal wings increased the tempo and the decibel of grumblers. In an era where people are detained for their own good, nobody dared demonstrate openly for fear of ending up Sowore’s neighbours. So, they have kept their complaints strictly to the level of press statements to avoid the wrath of the law in the pockets of the Executhief.

But I swear by the thunder that fires cows without repercussion that all is well in Arsehole Rock. Usually unreliable sources have confirmed that Madam Dolapo’s kitchen smells as good as Sai Baba’s aza room. The feepee has never missed his monthly alert. That’s better than anyone could say of the quondam deputy governor of Kogi State.

It’s obvious that amnesia has become a sad part of Naija’s politrics. The president and his vice are like two peas in a pod. Better than the Wizard of Ota had treated Atiku before and to the end of his second term. Better than the Cabal treated President Jones after Yardy became ill. Only Nnamdi has enjoyed what Shagari and Ekwueme had in governance.

A deputy is the proverbial extra tyre. Until and unless the substantive tyre picks a nail, extra tyres are good for nothing except as to be shown to Road Safety to avoid fines.

There would be issues if Osinbajo’s memoirs read something different from what his spokesman tweeted. For now, the feepee’s table manner is bam. Roaming death makes condolence visits an engaging part of a deputy’s day job and Osinbajo is happy where he is, thank you. Even for a law guru, he has failed to see the old rule of law transform to the ruse of law.

Kaduna’s Chained Children

Trust the enemies of Arewaland to gang up against Nasir el-Rufai. Everybody knows how much Nasir has reformed education in Kaduna state. As they say, sotay his own son comfortably seats in a public school earning his father a medal of excellence. It is probably not beyond the enemies of the Kaduna government to find a vault of horror to shame a performing governor. They’ve been working so hard to taint Sardauna’s Arewa, but we tell them these things are – not in our character.

A while ago, Bishop Kukah attempted to destroy an age-long tradition with a rescue plan probably borrowed from Netanyahu. Who plan epp? It is therefore least surprising that someone discovered chained children that are abused in a sangaya school a system that has existed since the time of Uthman dan Fodio. Heavenly-minded moms know that a child that is not toughned through life ends up stowing away to Libya or dying in the process. Kudos to the tough mothers of these children for telling the world that tradition trumps modernity as sangaya trumps boko.

As they attempt to portray us as backward, Allah has exposed their smelly behind. In Lagos of all places, a baby factory has been unfurled. That evens up the score for the nation. Those who want to portray one region as backward should remember that a man must first remove the speck from his own eyes to recommend an operation for the removal of a log from another man’s eyes.

We should ask those who want to portray us as child abusers how well we have treated their parents. A parent without the reassurance of the survival of his children brings up many in the hope that some would make it. Those who work for 35 years with assurance of dying on the pension queue needs a quick way to make it and live well. If they could get there by smashing the head of a newborn, they’ll probably do so. Those whose graduates are condemned to survive on N10,000 Tradermoni should never be blamed for not grooming their children properly. Traumatised adults cannot raise well-groomed children – lobatan!