Stop arming your children’s mind against your spouse. -By A. Haroun

One of the injustices and inappropriate things couples do in marriage is dragging the children into their spousal battles, using the children as pawns to settle vendettas. Children who had no say in the family they end up in are made to be like the proverbial grass that suffers when two elephants fight. One such way is arming children and turning them against one of their parent as revenge for the misgivings of that parent, typically done by women.

Children are naturally expected to love both parents. This love plays a large role in the modification of their minds at young ages and consequently in the kind of person they become at adulthood. To push hatred into their hearts just to settle scores isn’t just unfortunate, the psychological effect and future consequence can be unimaginable.

The monstrosities of some husbands/fathers need no telling for even blind children can see such. Toxic fathers who openly abuse their wives and those whose irresponsibility is glaring need not think anybody is turning their children against them. Their actions are sufficient to instigate hatred even in young minds, and they won’t forget.

Where it becomes deliberate and mischevous is when a woman:

●Always magnifies and exaggerates her husband’s flaws to the kids while at the same time downplays his genuine efforts. When he pays house rent or provides food, the children are not asked to ‘thank Dady’, after all he is just performing his duty. But when he defaults in paying or providing same, she makes it a point to ensure the kids are aware of such an inadequacy. A functioning home will see couples having each other’s back, shielding the other’s inadequacies from the children.

●She always tries to emotionally blackmail her children into taking her side whenever there is a misunderatnding with her husband hoping to use the advantage of majority to twist her husband’s arm into conceding defeat. Ideally, efforts should be made to keep fights away from children, concealing it. Where this is not possible, efforts should be made to keep children on neutral grounds not draw them in and make them pick sides. You may think you are playing a game and being smart, but you are inadvertently poisoning their minds against their father whom they will see as cruel for always ‘hurting mummy’ when all it was was a misunderstanding, some that you may even be the one at fault.

So what’s the endgame when women do this?

●Seeking a venting outlet. Perhaps the marriage has thrown up so much dirt she can’t keep in her heart and needs somewhere to vent. You may feel some relief when you do that upon your children but have you considered the impact on them. Do you need to vent? Not on the innocent minds of your young children please. Keep adult stuff within adult circles.

●Some women can’t come to terms with the scenario where their husband may not be the ‘prince charming’ they want for a husband but loves his children dearly. In essence a man can’t be a bad husband and a good father. It is therefore a case of “if you won’t love me, I will make sure you don’t enjoy their love too”, so she sets out on a mission to get back at her husband using the children.

●For some their game plan is capturing the future. Win the children to your side now so that when they grow and become ‘somebody’ in life as we say it, they will remember their mother who was the angel in their life, and not their father, who was painted as a monster. So, she will endure all sorts today and get her reward ‘tomorrow’. Ironically if her husband was truly guilty, she needs not poison the minds of her children to get such an outcome. They will figure things out themselves.

Women easily find justification for this action.
Why won’t he love me like he loves his kids?
Why will he treat me the way he does?
If I get my pound of flesh by getting back at him using his kids then I am justified.

These all makes sense till you consider the effect on the kids, especially in future.

●Mothers who turn their kids against their fathers to benefit from them in future are typically the ones who become possessive Mothers-in-law who become jealous if their sons are overwhelmed by the responsibilities to their immediate family and as such are not able to ‘reward’ their mother’s ‘sacrifices’ as much as she had hoped. In her mind, the Son’s wife is reaping where she didn’t sow. Many marriages have been ruined by this kinds of mothers-in-law.

●Many sons grew up hating their fathers, and did not realise they only fell for the schemes of their mothers till they became fathers themselves. By then the damage has already been done as some of their actions to their fathers can not be taken back. Perhaps he is in the grave already!

●Many sons in a bid not to be like their father as painted by their mother become puppets to their wives. What they considered as cruelty to their mother may just be their father standing his ground that their mother corrects a flaw he can’t tolerate. Thanks to their mother’s schemes they end up making the mistake their father was trying to avoid.

●Some daughters grow up with a hatred for men and a default suspicion that all of them will be like her father, thanks to what her mother inadvertently planted in her mind and made her to see her father as. Again this may be caused without any input from her mother, where the father’s wickedness is glaring.

●Some daughters grew up wearing their mother’s shoes, becoming obstinate wives who do not take corrections but rather seek to use the schemes their mothers used with their father. So the cycle continues.

Please leave out your kids from your personal vendettas with your husbands. Do not use them as arsenals to score points and take pounds of flesh. If you are a son or daughter reading this strive as hard as you can to remain neutral between your parents. Learning this skill may be what eventually makes you the arbitrator between them that keeps them together as couples. Let them sort themselves out, yours is to pray for them, be dutiful to them, and find the best way to keep them together, not join forces with one to destroy the other.

Marriage is truly delicate.

A. Haroun