The Abuser Is Always To Blame -By Chinenye Dennis

When asked the reason for abuse, by default, my answer is always “The Abuser” because that is what it is. Meeting people who think otherwise is triggering so I try to avoid discussions where I have to prove that the victim/survivor is blameless. As youths, future leaders and humans capable and maybe incapable of emotions, “The Abuser” should be a reflex response.

Serving Nigeria via the NYSC scheme qualifies as one of the most daring activities I have willingly participated in. From meeting extremely great people from varying cultures with audacious beliefs, who barely speak the lingua franca and hold/exalt highly harmful outlooks on life; this has been a rollercoaster. I belong to the Federal Road Safety Corps (FRSC) Community Development Service and sensitisations; roadwalks and traffic control are my favourite part of this CDS group because I believe in being about the talk.

This fateful Tuesday, we were bound to have another meeting. The excitement was non-existent since we were not sensitizing the masses. Hence, another non progressive discourse. Imagine my shock when I walked in on our youths discussing Reasons for Abuse. My excitement quadrupled and somehow, I muffled an apology for judging too fast. About twenty two minutes into the discourse, I felt my goosebumps forming and subsequently, shivers down my spine. In that moment, I wished I had just stayed home. Unthinkably, three humans had vehemently highlighted indecent dressing, women’s attitude, greed and Nos that mean Yeses and gone on to enthusiastically elucidate these as reasons for abuse. Collectively, they agreed that if women pander to men’s ego, things may not look up for them but the abuse would reduce. This time, I apologised yet again for having a turn around judgement too fast.

A man stood up to suggest that men learn to distract themselves when the thought to abuse reared its head and people thought laughing him off, the brightest thing to do. “Make I see woman wey dey show me something run? Wetin she see, naim she go take.”. Intimacy should never get lost in translation. It’s either a YES or a NO.

Exhausted, disappointed and triggered with eyes glowing from tears and the metallic taste of anger in my mouth, I took a walk. Call me a coward but this was the bravest thing I could do and I did it.

Society has built a wall that protects abusers. A survivor tells a story and there are a thousand opinions discrediting the story. We see this everyday and this hurt a little too much because I thought everyone especially the “youths” understood that it’s never the victim’s fault. What is this urge to speak up and make excuses for abusers? Why do you feel the need to protect them while the victim stays there broken inside out? A survivor does not owe you a convincing story and abuse will never ever make sense unless you are a predator which still doesn’t make sense. As youths and humans capable of evolving, this victim blaming skin should be shed and razed to ashes. Victim blaming, instead of calling out the abuser only renders you complicit.

In all our endeavours, let us never forget that the abuser is always and will always be the reason for abuse. It is always the abuser. Always them. Always.

About the author – My name is Chinenye Dennis and I volunteer for Mirabel centre.