Don’t let doubt torment you -By Swandy Banta

Never be angry with someone you have not seen (or first heard out).

When stories began to circulate around my office that I was having marriage troubles, some people gave me the knowing look as we exchanged pleasantries in the morning, other times conversations suddenly stopped when I stepped into a room. Any man who was seen around me more than once was suddenly rumored to be the reason I left my husband.

Then I began to receive illicit affair proposals from men who thought I was easy game or at best sex starved.

It dawned on me I was really dealing with a crisis.

The people I will live to always be thankful for are the very few people who took the pain to hear my side of the story. In retrospect, I realize that these people who gave me all the support I needed at that time made that season of my life bearable.

I overcame. I dared to re-write my story. I changed the narrative for myself. My life before the divorce and my life now is definitely a positive shift.

Today, I encourage people who are having difficulty in marriage relationships because I believe in marriage. My positive views on life, love and relationships have not been damaged by the experience.

I run a ladies club for the very reason of helping young girls make the right relationship and marriage decisions.

My issue however is the fact that not many people have been able to survive that kind of crises the way I did. The society is usually not so accommodating in the event of certain unfortunate events of life.

In my own case I even lost friends and acquaintances that I believed were in my happily ever after.

The truth is we all are soldiers fighting a battle for survival here on earth. When one of us gets wounded (scandal of sorts or other life misfortunes) we are expected to get them off the battle field and tend to their wounds.

Most often than not, what we usually do is to inflict more wounds on them. This is the typical situation with some of us when one of ours is engulfed in life’s crises.

For me, the pain I felt when stories were circulating about me has taught me to always have my facts straight on any matter or steer clear of the issue. These days I am always sure to confirm stories before taking a position on a matter because I know how damaging decision on the basis of wrong information can be.

I had to take time off to understand the situation, draw a plan for the future and stay focused to living a fulfilling life in spite of what had happened. I realized I didn’t owe anyone an explanation about my life and choices and neither could I stop people from exercising their freedom to freely air their opinions. I also knew I had  to make a choice to either let it get the best of me or to just press the delete button on all issues that had to do with the crises and concentrate on building my future.

It’s tempting to think that many of us will reach a point in our lives where we’ll be forced to question all that we believe, and then after this struggle we’ll never doubt again. The truth, however, is that all of us test our beliefs every day. Every time you make a decision about how to respond to someone who is rude to you, your beliefs are front and center. Every time you feel that ache in your body, a reminder of the emergency surgery you’re still paying for two years later, you wonder if you’ll recover, not just physically but financially as well.

When your car breaks down on the same day that your spouse overdraws your checking account, you face a dilemma about how you’ll respond — and more important, about what the basis for your response will be. When you’re reading a news app and scan the “word bites” about impending military action against yet another aggressive country, about the latest victim of a serial killer, or about the death toll in a train accident, you’re forced to confront your own beliefs — about human nature, about life, and about God.

The more I’ve lived life and the more I’ve sought to know and understand God, the more I’m certain that doubts are essential to our maturity as believers.

If we want a stronger faith, then we might be wise to allow our doubts to stand as we work through them instead of trying to chop them out of the way.

Get up and get out of the mud. Accepting full responsibility for what has happened means you must not succumb to the pressure of not playing the blame game.

At that point it doesn’t matter whose fault it is. What matters is coming up with a quick strategy to get out of the situation.
Forgive yourself and forgive any persons who may have contributed to getting you into the mess. Paint a picture of what you would like your future to look like in spite of the crises and the face the future.

Don’t let anyone label you because of your past. I always tell anyone that cares to listen that people don’t tag us, they only read the label we place on ourselves.
Like my GF would say, “Don’t beat yourself up being confused about what you will do, just be very certain of the things you can’t and won’t do, then the others would sort themselves out”. This has become my guiding principle. I’m not sure how moral and religious I can be, but I do know with certainty the things I would never dare do.

Swandy Banta is blue blooded, ask her what that means and she gladly tells you, she’s been through the tunnel of pain and she found illuminating light. She writes and coaches on the difficult subject of pain. Whether it’s national pain, community pain or the pain of loss and the hurts of life that makes us all ask why—she brings new perspectives. Swandy can be reached on swandy.banta@gmail.com