Validation Salad -By Dr Loretta Oduware Ogboro-Okor

I read my own book again this weekend. It is titled My Father’s Daughter. In it, I read again how my Father took his time to explain the different types of validations. He used Nigerian Society at the time as a case study. He explained to me, the different types of validation and why people seek them. Today, I find it is not exclusive to but is grossly magnified in Nigeria.

In the meal that is the salad of validation, there are the group of people who are completely empty within. Like empty barrels, they make the loudest noise. Ironically, they know they are empty. They have no substance and are without roots. So, what do they do? They invest in external validation. They run to the public and put up a show. Their drama is often carefully scripted with a load of “self-hyping” and a simultaneous “campaign of calumny” against anyone else their mind “perceives” is a loaded progressive. They will stop at nothing to prove their self-worth, everything is on the table as a means to achieve their warped ends, even rolling in the mud. As they frolic in this mud, they look forward to companionship therein. After all, the more the merrier. It must then be said that the greatest disservice any one can ever do to themselves is to join a pig in the mud.

My Father taught me the solution to these people years ago. Do I hear you ask how? He made me master the principles of internal validation. He taught me to first know and acknowledge who I am. He made me realise that I am neither counterfeit nor duplicate. Rather, he taught me that I am God’s unique original creation, full of visions and on a mission to impact my world. He gave me the understanding to stand for something always, so I do not fall for anything frequently. He ensured I effortlessly do me. It was he, who helped me perfect the act of being a silent spectator of the pigs in the mud without joining their party.  Self-esteem and self-confidence are things money, education, status, or migration cannot buy. They are a state of mind. My father filled me so much with them from infancy, that I find it difficult to make noise even if I tried – this barrel is full.

Another sub-group of external validity seekers are those who function only when they perceive others are watching. The oomph beneath their wings is the number of people who kiss their feet and the voices that sing their chorus. Some of them may not have started out that way but become mutants due to repeated societal stimuli. In Nigeria for instance, society expects many of us to expend millions burying the dead so the living can sing our chorus. Interestingly, most times, when the dead was living, they were dead to us; yet we spend obnoxious amounts burying them. Parents and relatives, we never bought fish for when they were alive, are buried with cows and fanfare. The living-dead around us come to sing our praises and feed our egos. It is for the same reason couples will take loans to feed the multitude in a single day event and call it a “wedding” because of what people will say while they go home to a marriage that starts on the altar of debt repayments. I remember when I was getting married. My immediate family members could not understand why a lady of my calibre (according to them), was not shutting down my street with canopies and street parties. I remember a family member asking, “What will people say? That only 30 persons are invited for your wedding and no Aso-ebi for that matter?”. Another could not bear the shame of not having a big fat cow tied at the home of the bride. Well, for my bridegroom and I at the time, it was not financially sensible to spend our lean resources on a one-day event, competing with Jesus the Christ at feeding the multitude, a miracle well out of I and my husband’s spiritual pay grade as mortals. So, we could not be bothered about what others would say.

I have a friend who carries a Louis Vuitton handbag while she seeks funds to pay her children’s school fees. I have never understood it. By the way, her children are in a high brow school way out of what her financial muscle can lift. On the flip side, how do you explain my neighbour who drives a Range Rover while he is chronically indebted to his landlord? When I asked him, he said people see him in his car and think he is a “big boy”. He gets to different establishments and people fall over themselves to open the gate. “Do you carry a house to where you are hustling?  You take your car which is what people see. “Who paying rent help?” These kinds of people seek to validate themselves with these external appendages. Deep inside, they are empty.

Enter, Social Media which has not helped – it is the best platform to broadcast yourself, yes. But it is equally an unfortunate addiction often utilised by internal validity deficient individuals with an intense fear of missing out. When one is filled with the self-confidence and esteem that equates to a healthy dose of internal validation, the art of making external gizmos a lifeline is of little relevance to you. Social media is a tool that those who are internally validated use prudently.

The conclusion is simple you have an internal satisfaction and self-pride that material things and money does not purchase. I always tell my friends that once I wear anything, it becomes a designer brand and not the other way round.  If designers float your boats and you can afford it, by all means, go ahead. However, HOW do you outline the ways in which you see and value yourself. Are you wearing that brand or is the brand wearing you? WHAT validation do you seek? WHOSE validation do you seek? People ONLY live for external validation at the opportunity cost of being true to themselves and making genuine impact on HUMANITY.

Even on our national landscape, external validation is the bane of governance. You find the ruling elite sacrifice what they can truly do for the public to change the lives of the average Nigerian at the expense of “make them see me”. Useless white elephant projects are encircled with colourful ribbons and commissioned with flashy scissors. Human capital development and building of institutions that will genuinely change the lives of Nigerians are pushed to the back burner. In fact, sadly, the more ostentatious the white elephant projects (which are often money siphoning conduit) look, the better you assuage the visual hunger and superficial attention span of the people. True development takes time and a lot of groundwork. People forget that the foundation for a skyscraper is almost nearly another skyscraper underneath the ground. Governance is a bit like surgery where careful pre-operative planning is almost sixty percent of the work done.

Once people are hooked on external validity, the vicious circle becomes their eternal companion that either pushes them or escorts them to the grave.  Nevertheless, it is not all sad news. We can help our societies develop individuals whose currencies are internal validity when our society itself begins to pay less attention to materialism and shift the value chain to celebrating true excellence and our shared humanity. Start with yourself – unlearn the primitive drive that is self and actively relearn the meaning of selfless service. Next, teach your children like my daddy taught me to believe in who they are and not paint another person’s canvas.

Every time I read my book; I realise it is titled “My Father’s Daughter” for a reason. After the Bible, this book is my go-to refuel station.  By the way, not making noise, does not mean dimming your shine or short-changing yourself. Rather, it means you know you are made in God’s image and likeness and can call all things into being. You are the salt of the earth. Where would the earth be without you? Salt makes no noise. It is not advertised. Yet, everyone has it in their kitchen. I will conclude with Kwame Nkrumah’s words of wisdom. He said we face neither East nor West, but we face forward. Think about it, when you face forward, do you really have time to start pondering what others will say or are doing? No, you do not. You do not partake in the salad of validation; you validate your own salad!

Dr Loretta Oduware Ogboro-Okor is Author of the Book, My Father`s Daughter